Fighting fears

 Fighting Fears: From Humiliation to Triumph on the Slopes

In 2011, I visited the U.S. for the first time from India. I was on a business trip to Denver, Colorado for a month. It was my first taste of America, and I was eager to make memories — so I convinced six other guys, all of them were from India living in the U.S. for a couple of years, to join me on a day trip to Vail for skiing. None of us had ever skied before, but we were chasing an experience of a lifetime.

We rented two cars and drove two hours to Vail. The excitement was palpable. We arrived around noon, rented our gear, and bought lift tickets — $100 each. Expensive, but we figured it was worth the adventure.

Then the cracks started to appear. Arun bailed the moment he tried on the ski boots — too tight, too heavy, too uncomfortable. Raghu quit while carrying his skis to the area, claiming it already felt impossible. We were down to five.

We awkwardly put on our skis and asked someone to point us to the beginner’s area. They gestured towards a ski lift that would take us to the top of a hill. It seemed counterintuitive — how do beginners start from the top of a hill? But we were game. I asked Prady, the most athletic among us, to lead the way to the lift (was around 10 yards away). The area was pretty much flat. He barely made a move before falling into a small ditch. We laughed it off. The next guy, Senthil tried and fell behind Prady. Feeling a surge of false confidence, I said, “Let me show you how it’s done.” I moved… and fell straight into the ditch behind them. Three down. Great start.

We somehow managed to crawl our way to the lift. Krish dropped his one ski pole from the lift. While we were still ascending, Rahul got so terrified just watching the height that he refused to get off the lift. He stayed on and rode it back down. Getting off the lift was a nightmare in itself. It’s supposed to be the easy part, but for a first-timer, it’s terrifying. We stumbled, wobbled, and somehow made it off. Krish had no choice but to walk down the mountain to retrieve his pole while carrying his skis. Now we were down to three. Now all we had to do was ski down. Simple, right?

The moment I started down, I picked up so much speed that my heart leaped to my throat. I only knew one thing — to slow down, I had to do the “pizza” (point the tips of my skis together). But every time I tried, my skis would cross, and I’d crash. I resorted to throwing myself on the ground to slow down whenever I saw someone in my path — especially kids. I fell, got up, brushed snow off my butt, retrieved my scattered gear, and repeated the misery. Every. Single. Time.

At some point, I lost count of how many times I fell. Every fall took me around 15 minutes to gather my strength, collect my gear, and put it back on. I was exhausted. People would stop and ask if I was okay. My pride wouldn’t let me admit defeat. “I’m good,” I’d force a smile and wave them off. But internally, I was miserable. Tears welled up in my eyes. Why did I do this to myself?

An hour and a half later, I was still stuck on the slope. I had no idea where the other two guys were. Then, a tall white man, stopped next to me and asked, “Do you need help?”

I glanced at him briefly and said, “No, I’m fine,” determined to preserve my pride. I barely registered his face — my mind was too clouded with frustration and humiliation.

Twenty minutes later, he came back and was surprised to still see me there. “Are you sure you don’t want help?” he asked again. By now, I was physically and mentally drained. Darkness was setting in, and I knew I couldn’t do this alone anymore. I finally swallowed my pride and said yes.

He first tried holding my hand to guide me down, but I kept falling. Then he wrapped his arm around my waist to stabilize me, but I felt too awkward and pulled away. Frustrated, he smiled and gently said, “Just grab my waist from behind, I’ll take you down.” I hesitated but eventually gave in. By now, he had spent nearly 30-40 minutes with me. This stranger owed me nothing, yet he refused to leave me behind.

We finally made it down. He took off his goggles, introduced himself, and that’s when I really saw him for the first time. He had the most piercing blue eyes. But at that moment, I was too embarrassed to fully register any of it. I barely caught his name, mumbled a thank-you, and bolted inside the resort, mortified by my failure.

The two guys who made it down 30-40 mins after me were furious. The entire drive back, I was blamed for putting them through the ordeal. I sat in silence, ashamed and convinced I would never touch skis again.

But life has a way of circling back.

Two years later, I moved to New Jersey. Winters were harsh, and the only way to enjoy them was to embrace outdoor activities. I took up winter hiking but stayed far, far away from skiing. Until my son came along.

I wanted him to learn to ski and enjoy winter sports, but he struggled with it. If I wanted him to keep trying, I knew I had to lead by example. But the fear of that humiliating day in Vail still haunted me. What if I made a fool of myself again?

This year, something changed. I turned 41 and realized I was done letting fear control my experiences. I signed up for a lesson. My son switched to snowboarding, and in a poetic twist, we were both beginners — learning from scratch, side by side.

I fell a few times, yes. But I didn’t let it defeat me. With every blue (intermediate) trail I conquered, I felt lighter. Stronger. Redeemed. Today, I did a couple of blue runs in the Catskills of New York, and the joy was indescribable.

And for the first time since that day in Vail, I allowed myself to think about him. The  stranger with the blue eyes who refused to leave me behind. Back then, I was too caught up in my misery to really notice his face — but now, his kindness lingers. Maybe he saw something in me that day — the same grit I found 14 years later when I finally faced my fear head-on.

I was 27 when skiing broke me.

I was 41 when skiing healed me.

And the best part? I didn’t just conquer the mountain — I conquered myself.

(Also, if by some wild chance that tall, handsome, blue-eyed stranger from Vail ever reads this — thank you. I see you now.)

Capture from today! 

https://youtube.com/shorts/OIsEjI8BbFU?si=ty1JwleNrdHx8eo3

My prize!

https://youtube.com/shorts/V8HoBDVIMGM?si=XkjlwZaVlISZEfaJ

Thankless Job!

"I am a summer person, I hibernate in winter", I kept saying in summer hikes to people who asked me to join winter hikes.

2 years later, here I am climbing all possible mountains in winter. I cannot explain how mesmerizing the mountains can get in winter. Truly like a hidden wonderland. But this blog is not about my winter hiking experience!

Being very enthusiastic hiker (especially after shopping a lot of gears), I have been doing a lot of winter hikes this year. At times I forget that I have a 11 years old who needs baby sitting. Thanks to my friend, Veena who always comes to my rescue :) Though she does not mind me taking her help, it pinches me every time I leave my son, Bhavish with her.

One Saturday, I left for a hike at 5.30 in the morning. Generally I drop Bhavish at Veena's place in the morning. But this time Bhavish wanted to sleep for longer. I asked Bhavish to call her when he wakes up. I wouldn't worry about Bhavish during drive or hike because I know she will take care of things. It was a long 3 hours drive. Me and a friend drove taking turns. Without wasting much time we started ascending the mountain. I was excited using snow shoes for the first time! Winter hikes are completely different,  needs a lot of preparation. Too many layers of clothes, insulated water bottles, food, bars, etc everything needs insulation, too many things to carry, bag gets heavier. Huh! Nevertheless the view you get on top of mountains is priceless!  This one was one tiring and a good hike. When we reached the top, I was so mesmerized by the view. A wonderland which hides during summer and comes to life in winter. My jaws dropped from wonder. I have no words to explain what I was experiencing. I wondered at the God's immense creation. I was thinking how this all couldn't have been possible without Veena's support. I pray for her wellness on all the mountains I hike. We reached down at dusk. My phone had no signal to update her.

I called Veena the moment I got signal while driving back. She was upset that I hadn't informed of Bhavish's plan. She told me how much she was worried when my phone wasn't reachable in the morning and she had no clue where Bhavish was. She drove home by herself at around 10 to check on Bhavish and picked him up. I was glad that she took care of everything back at home. But all through-out the drive, I was anxious about facing her.

Around 8pm, I directly reached her place to pick Bhavish up. To my surprise, she opens the door with a smile. She listened to all my experiences about hike, checked the pics. Next thing she did is give me clean clothes and towel and asked me to take shower. She said "Food is ready. Lets eat together!" Wow! That's how forgiving she is. Every single time her patience wonders me just like Mother Nature. The delicious hot food was ready on the table. I relished it with so much joy. Her warmth made my day!  

That whole week I was wondering, "Is this what is like to have a wife/mother?" How many men realize what a wife/mother does to home? I wonder if her husband and kid even realize what luxury they have at home? Do they even thank her for that? 

I, my mother, sister-in-law, friends(women) have been doing this job for years unnoticed. But hardly we get to experience anything like this for ourselves. 

This blog is dedicated to all my women friends who take care of their home, husbands, in-laws, kids, friends, etc. They take care of every small things at home which goes completely unnoticed. I see that mostly Indian women are doing a thankless jobs all the time. I wonder what keeps them going. Most of them don't even relax during festivals, vacations, etc. Extended duty those days :(

Girls, all I can say is, equally concentrate on yourselves. 

1. Take a break from cooking, cleaning, etc when possible. 

2. Do not compete with other women regarding cooking or any other activities. 

3. Workout for your body, mind and soul. Cooking and cleaning is not workout.

4. It is fine to take help. Ask for it.

5. Have your own hobbies (be it sports, dance, singing, crafts, watching movies or any other things).

6. Have a bucket-list and do fulfill them.

PS: Veena is beautiful, intelligent, ambitious at work, excellent cook, etc. The list can continue forever. She has masters degree in Urban planning from NYU. One person whom I look up to when it comes to patience and caring for family and friends. All in all, an ideal Indian wife and mother. 

Meeting The Almighty!

It was nice in the morning. Not very humid today, I thought while I was jogging on a beach. I always enjoyed my morning jogs on the beach. After the jog today, I sat on the sand for a while to relax. I was breathing hard but my mind was fresh and energetic. I love my jog time, one hour..it's fully mine. 

Lot of people today, I thought. Everyone trying to be fit :)

As I sat on the sand and relaxed, I closed my eyes to take a deep breath. Cold breeze passed touching my cheeks. I always loved the smell of sea breeze. Listening to the waves of ocean made me strong. Wow! What a feeling. Just then I felt something wet crossing my legs...like a snake. Couldn't be snake, i thought. I opened my eyes to see what it was. OMG!! I saw some green color creepers from ocean wrapping around my ankles.  Before I could react, It dragged me into the ocean. Within fraction of a second I was in water. I tried to latch onto everything I could. It was waste. It could pull me effortlessly. I tried to take one big breath just before drowning. I was beating my legs and hands hard to escape. Nothing was helping. I got so tiered and finally I stopped. I was completely immersed in water. I could not hold my breath any longer. I left all the air I had held in my mouth.. I thought that's the end. I badly needed to breathe. I tried to inhale now. To my surprise I could breathe easily inside water. I relaxed and tried to look around. It was little dark. Could see few colorful fishes and sea horses around. I wanted to release my legs from the creepers. Just then my hands reached my legs, there was nothing around my ankles. I could not believe what was happening to me. Just then there was a bright light from one direction, it was so very attracting me and I started swimming towards it. I was mesmerized. I had no control over my actions. I could not stop from swimming towards it. It was very bright and I could not see anything..I can't explain how happy I was. It was a feeling of meeting The Almighty. I will get answers to all my questions I thought. Just then a voice from the light said. "Your purpose of life is this. Your prayers are answered." I stretched my hands towards it. I felt something in my hand. I could not see. I was all smiling.. Very happy... I stood there mesmerized by that feeling. Just then I was pulled out from there. This time I dint resist. I had surrendered my self to the light. I don't know what happened after that. 

Few seconds later, I was on the shore. Lot of people around me asking if I was alright. They told me that I was drowning.. But they also told me that they were surprised to see a smile on my face all through out.. A while later everybody left, I tried to remember what had happened. Just then I realized I had something in my hand. I was gifted a shell, size of my palm. I opened thinking that there could be a precious pearl inside it. It was the most precious thing I saw.. It was my son 

One Life Time Is Not Enough To Understand Someone!

Sometimes One Life Time Is Not Enough To Understand Someone!

I discovered something new about myself one day. It was a bit strange :(

I always enjoyed working. Everytime I thought about my past, there was one thing which had given me lot of happiness and energy. My work. I enjoyed daily going to office to be precise Subex. Talking to people, providing solutions to problems which was part of my job for a long time. People used to get amazed by my energy levels. I had got some appreciation also for my enthusiasm from my bosses, peers and friends. I never knew why I enjoyed my work so much. This is one question I kept asking myself many a times but there was no answer.

Things continued like this for years together. I used enjoy the day I get my salary credited to my account. I get a SMS alert. And then slowly everyone around me also gets the messages and start discussing that Salary credited. It used to be first of every month or earlier if first turns out to be a weekend or holiday. After 6 years, Subex started getting into loss. People were fired, no hikes, lot of rumors, etc, etc

Worst happened, on 1st of a month, I dint receive any message of salary. I waited for a day, no salary. Next day again no salary. After 3 days, managers updated that there will be delay for a week. It continued like this for a week. And after 6 days, salary was credited. I was so upset the whole week. The hikes never bothered me. Only appraisal remarks kept me motivated. Then, when salary was delayed, I should have kept going. Why was i upset? Why did my energy drop? Was I working for salary alone??? These thoughts keep killing me at times. I must say that during those days I had lot of financial commitments too. But still? Was I working for money alone?

JhillMil & MilJhil, My Darlings!

One fine day, 17th July 2014 while back from office, i picked swim suit for Bhavish and driving back home.  The steering touches my big tummy! Yes, I am expecting: 8 months now. I am due in a month.

I have 10 mins to reach home, by then I felt some pain. Just being a little cautious, I drove to a nearby hospital. They told me that I am in labour. I had C-section for Bhavish, so had no clue that this is it. I had read a lot of blogs on how painful the labour can be. But I was surprised that I was not going through any of it.

Soon I delivered a girl. I was little tiered, so could not see her face properly. All I remember is that she was very small but very beautiful though the nurses hadn't washed her yet! My tummy was still full, I asked the nurse as to why I feel I am not done yet? The nurse replied, cos there is one more inside. OMG! I was shocked because the scan I had sometime back said there is only one life inside. I was worried, I asked the nurse again as to how is this possible?? Nurse had no clue as it was different hospital I consulted. Soon I was in labour again. My clothes were full of blood already. Here comes another girl. She was very tiny, as much as my palm.

By then Bhavish and my parents reached hospital. I am out of labour to my room. I tell Bhavish that there are two girls and ask him what do we name them. Super excited he says, "Amma, lets call them Jhilmil and Miljhil". I am so very happy. All this while I had only thought of a girl child and now I am blessed with two. I thank god so many times. Happiness is all over my face. Bhavish is waiting to see the kids, They have not got them out yet.

By then, from far I can hear my mom shouting "Bhagya, its 9.30 am. Don't you have plans to go to office today??". Just then I got out of my dream and ask her "Really, is it 9.30 already???". I see Bhavish sleeping next to me. He is in deep sleep as always!

OMG! I had to give some sick reason for being late to office. I quickly messaged some reason to my boss, got ready and reached office an hour later.

I keep getting lot of crazy dreams, but I must say, this was the most pleasant dream I ever had so far.

From the time, Bhavish is 4, I have been talking to him about a new member in the family. Though I had not planned anything seriously. But Bhavish and I have even chosen a name to the new one already! We decided that it should be a girl. I wanted to name her Eva, June, Kanasu, etc. Reasons later!

After few years, I moved to the US. Bhavish followed me after some time. He is 6.5 years now.  But I am wondering why dint Bhavish name them as June and Kanasu in the dream :|

Bhavish Christmas Gift 2012

Bhavish Christmas Gift 2012

I make a call to Bhavish every day mostly around 2 PM. Today also I called him to check how was the Christmas celebration in school.

He was excited to explain that Santa had come to give him gifts. He stressed on the word "Real Santa" again and again. He said he came from the sky and gave him a gift. When asked him about whether he had picked a gift for me from Santa, he said he did not. But he thought for a while and said "Amma, I thought you get one in your office. So I did not get". I must admit that he has real good memory. I had actually got a gift last year from Subex on Christmas celebration. Some secret Santa game got us all a gift!

I told him that I am no more with Subex and I am with Oracle and we don't get any gift here :(
I was thinking I'll start buying him a gift for Christmas hereafter. So in curiosity I asked him what is that he wants from Santa this time??? He said clay. I asked why he needs that. He explained that he is not got clay with him to play. I told him to pray for clay to Santa.

He was not sure how to pray Santa. He asked how can he reach Santa. Then I told him to pray God and ask him to send clay with Santa for this Christmas. Next question he asked me is "Will clay fall from top if I go and pray now?".

Bhavish & Olympics 2012

In 2012, when Bhavish was close to five years, in august Olympics started. I made him a habit of reading some news about it from news paper while waiting for his school bus. He started liking it.

One day in the morning while dressing him to school, he was sitting on sofa and I was sitting on the floor putting his shoes. He asked me to read some news about Olympics. Just like that with curiosity to know how much he remembers of the news I have read so far, I asked him "Where is Olympics being held this time?". He smiled and answered "Near Mr Bean's house" :D And his expression was so cute like always full smiling showing all his teeth. I busted out laughing. It was actually happening in London.